Feeling A Little Overwhelmed Today

So today I had a mini melt down. For the first time I am feeling overwhelmed with the whole single motherhood thing. It came out of nowhere. I mean I found out that Gabriel would have down syndrome when I was 7 months pregnant and given that he is 6 months old now you would think that I have had enough time to process it and deal with it right? Well for some reason it just hit me today. I mean REALLY hit me today. And I feel bad for feeling sad about it. Is it wrong for me to not want my baby to have some challenges? Is it wrong for me to be a little stressed about just how much responsibility I have? I mean I feel like every waking moment is supposed to be spent making sure he is doing the things that he is supposed to so that he can continue to develop properly but making sure that I don't make his entire life about developing accordingly.

So far Gabe has done beautifully. I mean he is hitting all of his developmental milestones. He doesn't have any of the major health issues associated with down syndrome but for some reason today I couldn't help but feel like at some point he was going to reach that proverbial "developmental delay" that children with down syndrome could have and I couldn't help but wonder just how strong and optimistic I would be then. Then I had to ask myself is this a sign that my faith isn't as strong as I thought? Does this mean that I am not as "okay" with my son's diagnosis as I would like to believe I am? God knows I adore my son and would lay down my life for him and that's exactly why I am feeling this tremendous amount of guilt for even feeling overwhelmed.

I have a two year old who has an endless amount of energy and sometimes I feel like I am so focused on my son that I don't give her the time that she needs. Maybe he was right, maybe it was irresponsible of me to have a child and putting myself in the position to have to raise two kids by myself. How am I going to do this? I know everyone is going to say Pray but sometimes that is just easier said then done. It's funny but all of these emotions were set off by the simplest thing today. All day long my son was doing that tongue thrusting thing that many children with DS do and for some reason it was that in particular that REALLY made me realize that my son has DS.

Tomorrow will be a better day IT HAS TO BE. Afterall I am responsible for raising two of God's biggest miracles. But today I have to admit that I am feeling OVERWHELMED!!