So I finally got both kids down for the night and I'm trying to drift off when I hear my son snoring like a GROWN MAN! Wow!! Time for him to go in his own room!

Today is a New Day and It's A GREAT One

Okay so yesterday's mini melt-down is over. It's strange how it seemed to have just come out of nowhere. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason so I know it was meant to happen. Anyway I woke up this morning feeling much better. Little Man had a really good night last night. He has been sleeping through the night for at least two months now but the constant congestion and his breathing has made it difficult for me to sleep through the night. The doctor's keep telling me that he is too young to have allergies but I say otherwise. I constantly have the humidifier and air purifier running but I can't really say that those things really help. But I keep them on just in case they can make even the slightest bit of difference. I think that I am going to have to remove all the curtains in my house and put blinds up because a friend was telling me just how much dust curtains hold. Oh well its all par for the course I suppose.

Just as I am typing this I can hear my son in there having an in depth conversation with his sister who, in her most motherly voice, instructs him to use his inside voice because she is trying to watch Dora. I find myself constantly listening to him to see if he is making any sounds with consonants instead of just enjoying the beautiful sound of my baby boy's voice. Its little things like this that could become taxing to you if you let it. In having a child that COULD have developmental delays I find myself sometimes losing the ability to just enjoy him being a child because I am so focused on making sure I minimize any type of delay that he may encounter. I feel bad because I can't remember half the things that I did when my daughter was 6 months old and she is only 2. So it makes me wonder if I just wasn't paying enough attention to her at the time. Who knew that it would be this intense all the time? I sure didn't. Oh well God has chosen me for this and since he doesn't make mistakes I am obviously equipped with the tools I need to make it through.

I am glad I had the melt down yesterday because it enabled me to find sites and blogs by people who know EXACTLY what I am going through and have felt the exact same things I am feeling. Its great when you can find people who mirror your thoughts and feelings. Well I just heard lil mama ask her brother "whats the matter lil man" so thats my cue to go investigate. Everyone have a wonderfully blessed day! I am off to enjoy my miracles!!!

Feeling A Little Overwhelmed Today

So today I had a mini melt down. For the first time I am feeling overwhelmed with the whole single motherhood thing. It came out of nowhere. I mean I found out that Gabriel would have down syndrome when I was 7 months pregnant and given that he is 6 months old now you would think that I have had enough time to process it and deal with it right? Well for some reason it just hit me today. I mean REALLY hit me today. And I feel bad for feeling sad about it. Is it wrong for me to not want my baby to have some challenges? Is it wrong for me to be a little stressed about just how much responsibility I have? I mean I feel like every waking moment is supposed to be spent making sure he is doing the things that he is supposed to so that he can continue to develop properly but making sure that I don't make his entire life about developing accordingly.

So far Gabe has done beautifully. I mean he is hitting all of his developmental milestones. He doesn't have any of the major health issues associated with down syndrome but for some reason today I couldn't help but feel like at some point he was going to reach that proverbial "developmental delay" that children with down syndrome could have and I couldn't help but wonder just how strong and optimistic I would be then. Then I had to ask myself is this a sign that my faith isn't as strong as I thought? Does this mean that I am not as "okay" with my son's diagnosis as I would like to believe I am? God knows I adore my son and would lay down my life for him and that's exactly why I am feeling this tremendous amount of guilt for even feeling overwhelmed.

I have a two year old who has an endless amount of energy and sometimes I feel like I am so focused on my son that I don't give her the time that she needs. Maybe he was right, maybe it was irresponsible of me to have a child and putting myself in the position to have to raise two kids by myself. How am I going to do this? I know everyone is going to say Pray but sometimes that is just easier said then done. It's funny but all of these emotions were set off by the simplest thing today. All day long my son was doing that tongue thrusting thing that many children with DS do and for some reason it was that in particular that REALLY made me realize that my son has DS.

Tomorrow will be a better day IT HAS TO BE. Afterall I am responsible for raising two of God's biggest miracles. But today I have to admit that I am feeling OVERWHELMED!!